


Simple Epicurean Philosophy

by andchaos



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, North Dakota is a slur, Phone Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 06:06:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14928615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andchaos/pseuds/andchaos
Summary: Mac calls Dennis sometimes, while he's away. The two of them like to have a little fun.





	Simple Epicurean Philosophy

**Author's Note:**

> based solely on the line from The Sound by The 1975 “we left things to protect my mental health/but you call me when you’re bored & you’re playing with yourself”
> 
> title from the same song xo

He shouldn’t be doing this. He should put down his phone, pull on his pajama bottoms, roll over and go to sleep.

Mac grabbed the whiskey by the neck of the bottle, took another swig, and hit send.

Dennis picked up in under three rings. Mac put the bottle back down on the carpet.

“Mac? What are you doing? It’s two a.m.” He sounded sleepy, whiney – but still, he had picked up.

“Three a.m. for me,” Mac grumbled back.

Dennis sighed. “Are you drunk, man?”

“I had a little whiskey,” Mac admitted.

He shrugged one shoulder, even as he pressed a hand into his boxer shorts. He ghosted three fingers along his dick, still soft, and imagined it was Dennis’s touch on his skin. The way it used to be.

“I miss you,” Mac breathed.

“Are you – What are you doing?” Dennis sounded alarmed now, although Mac couldn’t imagine that he wasn’t putting on a performance more than anything else. They had done this before. And Dennis was always, always putting on a performance with him. “Mac, are you –”

“Touching myself?” Mac interjected – supplied, really, since Dennis would probably never say the words aloud himself. “Yeah. Wish it was you, though. Remember how you used to touch me?”

“Mac…” Even though he sounded put out, Mac could hear how he shifted around on the other end of the line. Getting out of bed. Slipping out of his pants. “Don’t do this.”

“Already am,” Mac grumbled out.

He slid his boxers off and took a hold of himself properly, although he didn’t do more than give himself a few cursory strokes. He wanted Dennis to get in this with him before he started touching himself for real. He wanted Dennis, for real, but he would take this if it was all he had. He had never lied about that.

Mac heard the lock of a door click softly on the other end of the line. He didn’t like to think about it, how Dennis had to hide what he was doing, how he had people to hide it from. The fact that he slept in his own bed was only a slight relief, all else considered.

“Okay,” Dennis breathed into the phone. “Okay. Are we really doing this?”

“Again?” Mac said. “Yeah. I want you to touch me, Dennis. You were always so much better at it than me.”

“And I miss touching you, baby, but I’m…” He trailed off. Mac heard him breathe out through his nose, long and annoyed, and he waited while Dennis got ahold of his temper. He hated talking about why he went away. “I had to. Staying wasn’t good for me anymore.”

“Bullshit,” said Mac. The whiskey was making his tongue loose, but he couldn’t even bring himself to care enough to try and stop it. “You miss me.”

Dennis made a strangled sound on the other end of the line. Mac knew he wanted to argue; but in the end, he seemed to decide against having that same old conversation again. He could hear him shifting around on his mattress. “Tell me what you’re doing to yourself.”

“Tell me that you’re touching yourself too,” Mac countered. It was only fun if they both played along.

Dennis sighed again. “Of course I am, baby boy.” He didn’t say it, but Mac knew that Dennis couldn’t resist answering any more than Mac could resist calling. “It doesn’t feel as good as your hands, though.”

“Of course it doesn’t,” said Mac.

It was almost too easy to fall back into this old familiar routine. They used to watch each other, and that had turned into touching each other, and then from all the time spent studying the other, they became experts in making each other feel good. Mac could get Dennis off more easily than he could get himself to come. It felt better with Dennis’s hands on him, too.

Mac hadn’t been stroking his cock, but he started to now. He was already hardening just from hearing Dennis’s voice in his ear, breathy and soft, the way it used to be when he would tuck his face into Mac’s neck and press his lips across his pulse point while he pressed his hand between his legs. Mac tilted his head back in his pillow, his eyes falling shut as he did.

“I hope you’re imagining I’m doing a little more than giving you a hand job,” Dennis laughed.

“Well, what _would_ you be doing?” The _to me_ fell away from the end, but Mac knew they both heard it even more clearly because he didn’t say it out loud.

“I’d start off kissing your thighs,” Dennis said.

Mac could picture it, how Dennis looked between his legs. He’d seen the real thing enough times that it was easy. He tucked the phone in between his ear and shoulder so he could make use of his other hand, and he trailed his fingertips up his inner thigh and imagined it was Dennis’s mouth.

“Yeah?”

“Lick your palm for me,” Dennis breathed. Mac did. “Get it really wet, I want you to imagine it’s my tongue on your cock when you touch yourself.”

Mac moaned, the sound carrying up toward the ceiling. He wished that the pillows on the bed still smelled like Dennis.

“Touch my balls first,” Mac said.

Dennis chuckled, a low and dark sound.

“Of course,” he said, “I know how much you like it when I play with your balls before I even think about touching you anywhere else. Hands off your cock, Mac, I want you to want me so bad it hurts before you touch yourself for real.”

He already _did_ want Dennis so bad it hurt. He always wanted Dennis so badly that it ached, like an open wound from the crown of his head all the way down to his feet.

“Dennis…”

“Is your hand wet, baby?”

“Yeah.”

“Play with your balls and imagine it’s me,” Dennis instructed. “You still remember how I rolled them in my palm, made you whine with how much it made you want me?”

Mac remembered everything, but all he said was, “Yeah.”

“I’d put them on my tongue,” Dennis said. “Suck on them, _tug_ on them until you were begging me to touch you. Do it.”

Mac already was, reaching down between his legs, past his cock, now half-hard, and rolling his balls around in his wet palm. It wasn’t warm enough to be Dennis’s mouth, his hot fucking tongue and lips and throat, but it was something to have Dennis breathing in his ear while he touched them. Mac moaned.

“Tell me what you’re doing,” he said quickly. “Stop jacking your dick so fast, I know you’re going too fast. I would do it slowly. Real slowly, enough to make you curse at me because you wanted me to get you off so bad.”

“Of course you would,” Dennis said, his voice silky smooth, but Mac could hear the edge to it that meant he was doing what he was told. He acted different, but he loved being bossed around. “You want me to play with my ass?”

Mac could have rolled his eyes with how transparent Dennis was being about wanting his hole touched.

“Yeah,” he said. “Tell me you have lube nearby, because I’m gonna make you finger yourself until you see white. Do you have a vibrator or something with you?”

“I have a dildo,” Dennis said. Of course he did.

“Get that,” Mac said. He tugged his balls one more time and wrapped his hand back around his dick, stroking it slowly but enough to give him a little bit of relief. With his free hand, he put the phone on speaker and let it fall down next to him on the bed.

“It’s warming lube,” Dennis hinted. Mac could hear him shifting around on his end, grabbing what Mac had told him to and laying back down on his bed.

“Good. I want you to think about me in between your legs. Lay down on your stomach, Den. I’m gonna eat you out until you’re screaming for me to fuck you. Hard, like you like it.”

“Mac…”

“Do it,” he said sharply.

He could hear the cap coming off the lube bottle. His hand sped up on his cock, fully hard now thinking about Dennis touching his ass and wishing it was Mac. He would lay him down, spread him open, and…

“Mac?” Dennis said.

He realized he hadn’t been talking and quickly said, “Do you want it hard, Den?”

“Yeah,” he breathed.

“’Kay. Hit yourself, Dennis. I’m gonna spank your ass red before I put my mouth on it. Gonna suck bruises into the red marks, then spread you wide open for me and get my tongue on you. Put it inside you, suck on your rim ‘til you’re screaming my name so loud and you don’t even notice. Remember last New Year’s?”

“Jesus Christ. You’re gonna do it for _that_ long?”

“That long, Dennis,” said Mac. “Are you hard? You can rub off on the mattress if you want.”

Dennis laughed, darkly. “You can’t tell me what to do,” he said, but only because they both knew that Mac could.

“Your mouth feels so good on me,” Mac groaned. He brought his palm up to his mouth and licked it again, desperate to replicate the irreplaceable feeling of Dennis’s hot, tight mouth wrapped around his cock as closely as he could.

“Fuck, Mac,” Dennis choked out. “You’re so good at this. You feel so good, I wanna –”

“No, keep fingering yourself. Do it with two. I would stretch you out so good, finger you until you thought you could come from just that before I put my dick in you, filled you up, make you moan.”

“Your fucking cock, man,” Dennis breathed.

“Best you’ve ever had?”

“Better,” said Dennis. “Shit, I want you inside me, your mouth feels so good. You’re so big, though. I want it.”

“I know you do,” Mac said. “And I’m gonna give it to you, just wait. Does my mouth still feel good?”

He twisted his hand on the upstroke and cried out with the unexpected pleasure. He could just imagine Dennis down there, his lips wrapped around the head of his cock, sucking hard and making Mac’s vision blur before he ducked his head down, taking him in all the way to the base. Dennis was good at relaxing his throat to work Mac in there, at swallowing at just the right time when he sucked him off.

“I want more of your fingers,” Dennis said.

“Okay, use three,” said Mac. “Three of yours is like two of mine, right?”

“Two and a half,” Dennis said irritably. Mac rolled his eyes; he was so sensitive about his hands.

“Whatever. Stretch yourself out. I’m gonna fuck you soon, okay? I want you to be ready, I’m gonna drive into you so hard the neighbors will call the cops on us again. Remember that? Remember how I could always find your prostate, and I would just drive into it again, and again, over and over and not let up until you were begging for some relief, and I –”

“Please,” Dennis choked out. “Fuck me, let me use the dildo –”

“Okay,” said Mac. “Make it really wet.”

He could hear Dennis opening the lube again, and the sick, slick sound of him rubbing the dildo down with it. An absurd pang of jealousy went off in his stomach, thinking of Dennis’s hand wrapped around the toy instead of him when he was reduced to using his own hand, two thousand miles away.

“Ready?” Mac said.

“Yeah, I’m gonna – _God_.”

Mac sped up his strokes on his cock, listening to Dennis moan and whine as he eased the dildo into his tight ass. His ass was always tight, and it always felt so good, so hot around Mac’s cock.

“Can you feel it?” Dennis breathed.

Mac tightened his grip on himself, imagining he was the one easing inside Dennis, imagining the heat of him. He let out a moan himself.

“Fuck, dude. You feel so fucking tight – you haven’t been fucked in a real long time. Way too long. You need me to come loosen you up. It’s not right, you being so out of practice.”

“I know, Mac. God, you feel so big in me. I’m gonna – I’m gonna fuck myself now. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, do it,” said Mac. “I’d do it slow at first, to get you used to feeling me inside you again. And then hard after a minute, okay? And fast, I want you caught off guard.”

“ _Shit_ ,” Dennis groaned. “God, right there, Mac.”

“Yeah, I always do,” Mac said. “You can ease off for a sec, okay? I’m not gonna drive up on your prostate until I want you to come.”

“Okay,” said Dennis. “What are you doing? I wanna know what you’re doing to yourself.”

“I’m just touching myself. But I’m imagining it’s you. I miss your hand, Den. You always tease me first. Do you want to tease me first?”

“For a while, yeah. I’m gonna go fast for a bit, okay? But my grip is tight, I don’t want you coming yet either.”

“Fuck,” said Mac. “God, that feels so good.”

“Yeah. Tug your balls with your other hand, I’d suck on them while I touched you. Are they heavy?”

“Yeah, fuck,” said Mac. “I’m – I want you, Dennis, I want to come in your mouth and across your pretty face –”

“I want to lick it off,” said Dennis. “Fuck, the taste of your come…Nothing else tastes so good. Nothing.”

“I’m gonna fuck your mouth until I come,” said Mac. “You’re not allowed to move. Just lay down between my legs and open your mouth and I’m gonna fuck your throat. You like that, don’t you?”

Dennis moaned. “Fuck, yes. I wanna feel you in me, baby, the head of your cock halfway down my throat when you thrust in, and I want more.”

“God, you like that, don’t you? Choking on it, choking on _me_.”

“Fuck yeah. And you like me down on my knees. Nobody can touch you like I do.”

Mac was no stranger to Dennis down on the floor, getting bruises he’d bitch at Mac to buy medication for the next day. He knew what Dennis looked like with his mouth wide open, taking Mac in, taking whatever Mac wanted to give him.

“Nobody,” Mac breathed. He had looked. By God, he had looked. “How do I feel inside you?”

“So good,” Dennis moaned. “You’re bigger than this toy, though. And you know exactly where to touch me. I haven’t had you inside me in so long, I miss it.”

“Don’t fucking forget how it feels. Nothing can make you feel so whole. Right?”

“You’re the only thing that makes me feel that way,” said Dennis.

Mac was starting to suspect, as he grabbed the whiskey bottle with the hand not wrapped around his dick and took another big swig, that he was not the only one drinking tonight. Sober Dennis would never be so free with admissions like that.

“Okay. I’m gonna hit your prostate, okay? Just once. I’m gonna grind against it until you think you can’t take it anymore, and then I’m gonna let up and keep fucking you so hard you forget your name. So you forget any name except mine. Okay?”

He waited a moment, slowing his strokes on his dick, until he heard Dennis gasp out, “ _Mac_!” and he knew he had done what he was told. He bit back a sick grin and started jerking himself off faster again, the sound of Dennis’s moans sweeter than anything else he could ask for.

“You’re fucking amazing,” Dennis said. He sounded fresh out of air. “Jesus. Can I blow you again?”

Mac licked his palm a few times, getting it wet again before he wrapped it back around himself.

“God, yes. You’re fucking mouth, man. It’s so hot, and wet – I want your tongue.”

“Yeah, remember how I used to use my tongue?” said Dennis.

As though Mac could forget. He was a master with it, and if Mac didn’t know that from the few times that Dennis had eaten him out, he knew it from every single time that Dennis went down on him. He would flick it up against the underside of the head, trace the vein along the top of his cock, swirl it around the head and his slit until he was leaking precome, and then he would swallow him down and go back to bobbing his head between his legs, so far his nose would touch the hair at the base of his dick.

Nothing on earth would make Mac forget his holy fucking tongue.

“I need it,” Mac gasped. “God, I need your mouth, I miss it, I want it –”

“It’s right there,” said Dennis. His own voice sounded labored with fucking himself, but the words were still steady. “My mouth is on your cock, Mac, I’m gonna suck you off so fast and tight that you can’t help but hold me still and fuck my face.”

“Can I?”

“You never let up,” said Dennis. “You just use my mouth until you’re about to come and then you pull out and bust all over my face, all over my mouth and chin and cheeks –”

“I’ll lick it off you,” said Mac. “I’d lick you clean and then kiss you, push my tongue in your mouth and make you swallow all of it. You like the taste of it, you wish I’d just come in your mouth. Right?”

“Yeah,” said Dennis. “God, I’m close, Mac, I’m – can I fuck my ass right?”

“Yeah, do it. I’m gonna drive right up against your prostate again and again, it’s gonna be too much but you don’t want me to stop.”

Mac heard the exact second that Dennis found his sweet spot. A gasp punched out of him, and then he moaned, loud. Mac’s hand sped up on his cock, and he jerked himself off just right, the way Dennis would blow him if he was here.

“Roll over onto your back,” said Mac. “I’m gonna finally touch your dick, okay? You don’t have to rub off on the bed. You can jerk yourself off.”

“Tell me how you’d do it,” Dennis instructed.

“I’m gonna do it in time with how I’m fucking your ass,” said Mac, “okay? Keep fucking right up against your prostate, really hard and fast. And I’m gonna jerk you off at the same time at just that speed, just how you like it so you can finally get off.”

“Come inside me,” Dennis breathed.

Mac twisted his hand at the head of his dick, his grip tight and fast like he knew Dennis would do it so he could come – all over his hand and stomach and chest, probably dripping down to slick his own cock with it so he could finish himself off.

“I’m gonna come all over you,” Mac growled. “I’m gonna mark you up with it, I’m gonna – put your hand on your neck.”

“You’re gonna –” Dennis’s voice dipped down suddenly to a new, deep level. Mac grinned. “You’re gonna choke me out when I come?”

Mac almost never did that. They both liked it, but they were both too afraid of the looks they got the next day. The marks on his neck. The gang always asked questions, and they both lied about getting into a street fight, and it was just too messy.

“Fuck yes, I’m gonna choke you out,” said Mac. “Wrap your hand around your throat. Now.”

“How can I…come, too?”

“Take out the dildo. I’m not fucking you anymore. I’m gonna come all over your pretty face and then choke you out while I jerk you off, and you’re gonna come all over us both and I’m gonna lick you clean. Okay?”

Dennis said nothing for a moment.

“Okay?” Mac prompted. “You have to trust me, Dennis.”

Dennis swallowed audibly.

“I do,” he said at last. “I trust you, Mac. Okay, I’m gonna – okay. Okay.”

Mac waited, still stripping his cock. His balls were heavy, his stomach tight, and he tugged on them to ease the ache. He wanted to come with Dennis.

“I’m not gonna be able to talk, so tell me when,” said Dennis.

“Do it,” said Mac.

He heard Dennis gasp, and then his air supply was gone. Mac started rambling to fill the silence; this was all on him now.

“Harder,” he said. “This is it, Den. I’m touching you, you know I know just how to touch you. I’m gonna get you off fast, so do it – I’m close, I’m gonna do it hard and fast for you too.”

“Do it,” Dennis gasped through his restricted breathing.

“I’m – fuck, Dennis – I’m –”

Mac worked his hand faster than before, and he was so close. He could hear the slick sound of Dennis doing the same over the phone line, and with a final shout he came – hard, and long, and he stroked his cock through it, his hips jerking up towards the ceiling, and all the while he imagined it was Dennis touching him.

Dennis came with a strangled moan while he was still finishing himself off, and Mac’s hips twitched as he imagined the sweet sight of Dennis letting loose all over himself and his bed.

He fell back onto his mattress when he was done, breathing hard. After a moment, he fumbled around until he found his phone, and he took it off speaker and put it back up to his ear.

“Dennis?” he asked.

There was a long moment of silence. Then he heard Dennis’s belabored breathing, and he knew he was finished too.

“I’m here,” he said. “Christ, I’m tired. That was good, Mac.”

“Yeah,” said Mac. His eyes slipped closed; he wished Dennis were really here so he could roll over and wrap his arms around him, so they could fall asleep the way they used to after they were done getting each other off. Their limbs would tangle up, and Mac could kiss the naked skin beneath his mouth. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too, baby boy.” Dennis breathed out – a long, unhappy sound. “We shouldn’t keep doing this.”

Mac knew he meant it. He also knew that no power on earth was strong enough to make them stop, not even their own egos and steel will.

“I know,” he said anyway.

“It’s late,” Dennis said gently. “It’s almost four in the morning for you. You should get a good night’s sleep.”

“I’d sleep better with you here with me,” Mac said slyly.

Dennis gave a soft laugh.

“Me too,” he sighed. “You’re always so warm. Christ, sometimes it’s like sleeping next to a fucking furnace. I wake up sweating half the time.”

Mac smiled.

“You’re always cold,” he said. “Must be because you’re so gangly, your body can’t push heat all the way to your long fingers.”

He didn’t need to be in the same room to know Dennis was rolling his eyes.

“Alright, alright. Are you done making fun of me? Can you please go to sleep? I don’t want you to be all tired and annoying tomorrow.”

“Fuck you, I’ll annoy you all I want.”

It was as close as they would ever get to being genuinely sweet to each other.

“I know you will,” said Dennis, and Mac could hear the smile in his voice. “Okay, I need to be up early, so _I’m_ going to bed even if you won’t.”

“Relax, I’ll get some rest. Jesus, you’re old.”

“Fuck you.”

Mac lay there for a moment in the ensuing silence, smiling into the dark. Dennis didn’t hang up, either. At last, Mac sighed.

“Okay. Goodnight, Dennis.”

“Goodnight, baby boy.”

But neither of them hung up the phone, although they didn’t talk, either. Mac closed his eyes. Dennis fell asleep first. Mac drifted off after a while, to the sound of his even breathing on the other end of the line.

**Author's Note:**

> hmu at [lesbianfreyja on tumblr](http://lesbianfreyja.tumblr.com/post/174890530200) xo


End file.
